VIGYAN BHAIRAV TANTRA VOL1
Sudden Enlightenment and its obstacles
VIGYAN BHAIRAV TANTRA VOL1
Sudden Enlightenment and its obstacles
"YOU SAID THAT EITHER ONE SEES THE WORLD OR THE BRAHMAN AND THAT NO GRADUALLY INCREASING PERCEPTION OF THE BRAHMAN IS POSSIBLE. BUT IN EXPERIENCE WE FEEL THAT AS WE BECOME AWARE AND MORE SILENT AND STILL, THE FEELING OF THE DIVINE PRESENCE BECOMES GRADUALLY CLEARER AND CLEARER. WHAT IS THIS GRADUAL GROWTH AND CLARITY IF THE AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE IS NEVER GRADUAL, BUT SUDDEN?"
This has been a very ancient problem: "Is enlightenment sudden or gradual?" Many things have to be understood. There has been a tradition which says that enlightenment is gradual and that everything can be divided into degrees, everything can be divided into steps -- that like anything else, knowledge can also be divided; you can become more and more wise, you can become more and more enlightened. This has been widely accepted because the human mind cannot conceive of anything sudden. Mind wants to divide, analyze. Mind is a divider. Degrees can be understood by the mind, but suddenness is non -- mental-beyond mind.
If I say to you that you are ignorant and that gradually you will become wise, this is comprehensible, you can comprehend it. If I say to you, "No, there is no gradual growth. Either you are ignorant or you become enlightened, there is a sudden jump," then the question arises of HOW to become enlightened. If there were no gradualness, there could be no progress. If there were no degree of growth, no degrees, then you could not make progress, you could not proceed. From where to begin? In a sudden explosion, the beginning and the end are both the same. There is no gap between the beginning and the end, so from where to begin? The beginning is the end.
It becomes a puzzle for the mind, it becomes a koan. But sudden enlightenment seems to be impossible. It is not that it is impossible, but that the mind cannot conceive of it. And, remember, how can the mind conceive of enlightenment? It cannot. It has been widely accepted that this inner explosion is also gradual growth. Even many enlightened persons have conceded that to your minds, and they have said, "Yes, there is a gradual growth."
It is not that there is. They have said it and accepted your attitude, your way of perception. They have been in a deep compassion for you. They know that if you start thinking that it is gradual, the start will be good, but there will be no gradual growth. But if you start, if you go on seeking it, someday the sudden thing will happen to you. And if it is said that enlightenment is only sudden and no gradual growth is possible, you are not even going to start and it will never happen. Many enlightened persons have said that enlightenment is a gradual thing just to help you, just to persuade you to start.
Something is possible through gradual process, but not enlightenment -- not enlightenment, something else. And that something else becomes helpful. For example, if you are making water to evaporate it, heating it, evaporation will come suddenly. At a certain point, at a hundred degrees, evaporation will happen -- suddenly! There will be no gradual growth between water and vapor. You cannot divide; you cannot say that this water is a little vapor and a little water. Either it is water or it is all vapor. Suddenly the water jumps into the state of vapor. There is a jump -- not gradual growth. But by heating you are gradually giving heat to the water. You are helping it to reach the hundred-degree point, the evaporating point. This is a natural growth. Up to the evaporating point, the water will grow in the sense of being more and more hot. Then evaporation will happen suddenly.
So there have been masters who were wise, compassionate, who used the language of the human mind which you can understand, telling you, "Yes, there is a gradual growth." It gives you courage and confidence and hope, and a possibility that it can happen to you also. You cannot attain in a sudden explosion, but by and by, step by step, with your limitations, with your weaknesses, you can grow to it. It may take many lives, but still there is hope. You will just get heated by all your efforts.
The second thing to remember: even hot water is still water. So even if you become more clear in your mind, more pure in your perceptions, more moral, more centered, you are still man, not a buddha, not enlightened. You become more silent, more still, calmer. You feel a deep bliss, but still you are a man, and your feelings are really negative, not positive.
You feel calm because you are now less tense. You feel blissful because now you are clinging less to your miseries; you are not creating them. You feel collected. It is not that you have come to realize the one, but only because now you are less divided. Remember this: your growth is negative. You are just hot water. The possibility is there that at any moment you will come to the point where evaporation happens. When it happens, you will not feel calmness, you will not even feel blissful, you will not feel silent, because these attributes are relative to their opposites. When you are tense, you can feel silence. When you feel noise, you can feel stillness. When you are divided, fragmentary, you can feel oneness. When you are in suffering, anguish, you can feel bliss.
That is why Buddha was silent -- because language cannot now express that which is beyond polarities. He cannot say, "Now I am filled with bliss," because even this feeling that "Now I am filled with bliss" is possible only with a background of suffering and anguish. You can feel health only with a background of illness and disease; you can feel life only with a background of death. Buddha cannot say, "Now I am deathless," because death has disappeared so completely that deathlessness cannot be felt.
If the misery has disappeared so completely, how can you feel blissful? If the noise and the anguish are so absolutely non-existent, how can you feel silence? All these experiences, feelings, are related to their opposites. Without their opposites they cannot be felt. If darkness disappears completely, how can you feel light? It is impossible.
Buddha cannot say, "I have become light!" He cannot say, "Now I am filled with light." If he says such things, we will say he is not yet a buddha. He cannot utter such things. Darkness must be there if you want to feel light; death must be there if you want to feel deathlessness. You cannot avoid the opposite. It is a basic necessity for any experience to exist. So what is Buddha's experience? Whatsoever we know, it is not that. It is neither negative nor positive, neither this nor that. And whatsoever can be expressed, it is not that.
That is why Lao Tzu insists so much that truth cannot be said, and the moment you say it you have falsified it. Already it is untrue. Truth cannot be said because of this: it cannot be divided into polar opposites, and language is meaningful only with polar opposites. Language becomes meaningless otherwise. Without the contrary, language loses meaning.
So there is a tradition which says that enlightenment is gradual, but that tradition is not really the truth. It is just a half-truth uttered in compassion for human minds. Enlightenment is sudden, and it cannot be otherwise. It is a jump! It is a discontinuity from your past! Try to understand: if something is gradual, the past goes on remaining in it. If something is gradual, then there is a continuity. There is no gap. If from ignorance to knowledge there is gradual growth, the ignorance cannot completely disappear. It will remain, it will continue, because there has been no discontinuity, there has been no gap. So the ignorance may become more polished, the ignorance may become more knowledgeable. The ignorance may appear wise, but it is there. The more polished it is, then, of course, the more dangerous. The more knowledgeable it is, then the more cunning one is and the more capable of deceiving oneself.
Enlightenment and ignorance are absolutely separate, discontinuous. A jump is needed -- a jump in which the past dissolves completely. The old is gone; it is no more, and the new has appeared which was never there before.
Buddha is reported to have said, "I am not that one who was seeking. The one who has appeared now never was before." This looks absurd, illogical, but it IS so. It is so! Buddha says, "I am not he who was seeking; I am not he who was desiring enlightenment; I am not he who was ignorant. The old man is dead completely. I am a new one. I never existed in that old man. There has been a gap. The old has died and the new is born."
For the mind to conceive of this is difficult. How can you conceive of it? How can you conceive of a gap? Something must continue. How can something disappear completely and something new appear? It was absurd for logical minds, it was absurd for scientific minds, just two decades before. But now, for science, it is not absurd. Now they say that deep down in the atom electrons appear and disappear, and they take jumps. From one point the electron takes a jump to another; in between the two it is not. It appears at point A, then disappears and reappears at point B, and within the gap it is no more. It is not there. It becomes absolutely non-existent.
If this is so, it means that non-existence is also a sort of existence. It is difficult to conceive of, but it is so: non-existence is also a sort of existence. It is as if something moves from the visible to the invisible, as if something moves from form to formlessness.
When Gautam Siddharth, the old man who died in Gautam Buddha, was seeking, he was a visible form. When the enlightenment happened, that form completely dissolved into the formless. For a moment there was a gap; there was no one. Then from that formlessness a new form arose. This was Gautam Buddha. Because the body continues in the same way, we think that there is a continuity, but the inner reality changes completely. Because the body continues in the same way, that is why we say "Gautam Buddha" -- that "Gautam Siddharth has now become Gautam the awakened; he has become a buddha." But Buddha himself says, "I am not he who was seeking. I am a totally different one."
It is difficult for the mind to conceive of this -- and for the mind many things are difficult, but they cannot be denied just because they are difficult for the mind. The mind has to yield to those impossibilities which are incomprehensible to it. Sex cannot yield to the mind; the mind has to yield to sex. This is one of the most basic inner facts -- that enlightenment is a discontinuous phenomenon. The old simply disappears and the new is born.
There has been another tradition, a later tradition, of those who have been insisting all through history that Enlightenment is sudden -- that it is not gradual. But those who belong to it are very few. They stick to the truth, but they are bound to be very few because no following can be created if sudden Enlightenment is the case. You simply cannot understand it, so how can you follow it? It is shocking to the logical structure and it seems absurd, impossible. But remember one thing: then you move into deeper realms. Whether of matter or of mind, you will have to encounter many things of which a superficial mind cannot conceive.
Tertullian, one of the greatest Christian mystics, has said, "I believe in God because God is the greatest absurdity. I believe in God because mind cannot believe in God." It is impossible to believe in God; no proof, no argument, no logic can help the belief in God. Everything goes against him, against his existence, but Tertullian says, "That is why I believe -- because only by believing in an absurdity can I move away from my mind."
This is beautiful. If you want to move away from your mind, you will need something of which your mind cannot conceive. If your mind can conceive of it, it will absorb it into its own system, and then you cannot transcend your mind. That is why every religion has insisted on some point which is absurd. No religion can exist without some absurdity just as a foundation in it. From that absurdity you either turn back and say, "I cannot believe so I will go away." Then you remain yourself -- or you take a jump, you turn away from your mind. And unless your mind is killed the enlightenment cannot happen.
Your mind is the problem, your logic is the problem, your arguments are the problem. They are on the surface. They look true, but they deceive. They are not true. For example, look how the mind's structure functions. The mind divides everything in two, and nothing is divisible. Existence is indivisible; you cannot divide it -- but mind goes on dividing it. It says that "this" is life and "this" is death. What is the actual fact? The actual fact is that both are the same. You are both alive and dying this very moment; you are doing both. Rather, you ARE both -death and life.
Mind divides. It says, "this" is death and "this" is life. Not only does it divide; it says that both are opposites, enemies, and that death is trying to destroy life. And it looks okay: death is "trying to destroy life." But if you penetrate deeper, deeper than the mind, death is not trying to destroy life! You cannot exist without death. Death is helping you to exist. It is every moment helping you to exist. If for a single moment death stops working, you will die.
Death is every moment throwing away many parts in you which have become non-functional. Many cells die; they are removed by death. When they are removed, new ones are born. You are growing: something is dying and something is being born continuously. Every moment there is death and life, and both are functioning. In language I have to call them both two. They are not two; they are two aspects of one phenomenon. Life and death are one; "life-death" is a process. But mind divides. That division looks okay for us, but that division is false.
You say "this" is light and "that" is dark; you divide. But where does darkness start and where does light end? Can you demarcate them? You cannot demark them. Actually, whiteness and blackness are two poles of a long greyness, and that greyness is life. On one pole blackness appears and on another pole whiteness appears, but the reality is grey, and that grey contains both in itself.
Mind divides and then everything looks clear-cut. Life is very confusing; that is why life is a mystery. And because of this, mind cannot understand life. It is helpful to create clear-cut concepts. You can think easily, conveniently, but you miss the very reality of life. Life is a mystery, and mind demystifies everything. Then you have dead fragments, not the whole.
With the mind you will not be able to conceive of how enlightenment is sudden, how you will disappear and something new will be there which you had never known before. But don't try to understand through mind. Rather, practice something which will make you more and more hot. Rather, try to attain some fire which will make you more and more hot. And then one day suddenly you will know that the old has disappeared; the water is no more. This is a new phenomenon. You have evaporated, and everything has changed totally.
Water was always flowing downwards, and after evaporation the new phenomenon is rising upwards. The whole law has changed. You have heard about one law, Newton's law of gravity, which says that the earth attracts everything downwards. But the law of gravity is only one law. There is another law. You may not have heard about it because science has yet to uncover it, but yoga and tantra have known it for centuries. They call it levitation. Gravity is the pull downwards and levitation is the pull upwards.
The story of how the law of gravity was discovered is well known. Newton was sitting under a tree, under an apple tree, and then one apple fell down. Because of this he started thinking, and he felt that something is pulling the apple downwards. Tantra and yoga ask, "How did the apple reach upwards in the first place? How?" That must be explained first -- how the apple reached the upward position, how the tree is growing upwards. The apple was not there; it was hidden in a seed, and then the apple traveled the whole journey. It reached the upward position and only then did it fall down. So gravity is a secondary law. Levitation was there first. Something was pulling the apple upwards. What is that?
In life we easily know gravity because we are all pulled downwards. The water flows downwards; it is under the law of gravity. When it evaporates, suddenly the law also evaporated. Now it is under levitation, it rises upwards.
Ignorance is under the law of gravity: you always move downwards, and whatsoever you do makes no difference. You have to move downwards. In every way you will have to move downwards, and struggle alone will not be of much help unless you enter a different law -- the law of levitation. That is what SAMADHI is -- the door for levitation. Once you evaporate, once you are no more water, everything changes. It is not that now you can control: there is no need to control, you simply cannot flow downwards now. As it was impossible before to rise upwards, now it is impossible to flow downwards.
It is not that a buddha tries to be non-violent; he cannot do otherwise. It is not that he tries to be loving; he cannot do otherwise. He has to be loving. That is not a choice, not an effort, not any cultivated virtue, it is simply that now this is the law: he rises upwards. Hate is under the law of gravity; love is under levitation.
This sudden transformation doesn't mean that you are not to do anything and that you are simply to wait for the sudden transformation. Then it will never come. This is the puzzle. When I say -- or someone else says -- that enlightenment is sudden, we think that if it is sudden nothing can be done that we must simply wait. When it will happen, it will happen, so what can one do? If it is gradual you can do something.
But I say to you that it is not gradual, and yet you can do something. And you have to do something, but that something will not bring you enlightenment. That something will bring you near the phenomenon of enlightenment. That something will make you open for the phenomenon of enlightenment to happen. So enlightenment cannot be an outcome of your efforts; it is not. Through your efforts you simply become available for the higher law of levitation. Your availability will come through your effort, not enlightenment. You will become open, you will become non-resistant, you will become cooperative for the higher law to work. And once you are cooperative and non-resistant, the higher law starts functioning. Your efforts will yield you, your efforts will make you more receptive.
It is just like this: you are sitting in your room with closed doors. The sun is outside, but you are in darkness. You cannot do anything to bring the sun in, but if you simply open the doors your room becomes available. You cannot bring the sun in, but you can block it out. If you open your doors, the sun will enter, the waves will come; the light will come into the room.
You are not really bringing the light, you are simply removing the hindrance. The light comes by itself. Understand it deeply: you cannot do anything to reach enlightenment, but you are doing many things to hinder it -- to hinder it from reaching to you. You are creating many barriers, so you can only do something negatively: you can throw the barriers, you can open the doors. The moment the doors are open, the rays will enter, the light will touch you and transform you.
All effort in this sense is to destroy the barriers, not to attain enlightenment. All effort is negative. It is just like medicine. The medicine cannot give you health; it can only destroy your diseases. Once the diseases are not there, health happens; you become available. If diseases are there, health cannot happen.
That is why medical science, Eastern or Western, has not yet been able to define what health is. They can define each disease exactly -- they know thousands and thousands of diseases and they have defined them all -- but they cannot define what health is. At the most they can say that when there is no disease you are healthy. But what is health? Something which goes beyond mind. It is something which is there: you can have it, you can feel it, but you cannot define it.
You have known health, but can you define it -- what it is? The moment you try to define it you will have to bring disease in. You will have to talk something about disease, and you will have to say, "No-disease is health." This is ridiculous. To define health you need disease? And disease has definite qualities. Health also has its own qualities, but they are not so definite because they are infinite. You can feel them; when health is there you know it is there. But what is it? Diseases can be treated, destroyed. Barriers are broken and the light enters. Similar is the phenomenon of enlightenment. It is a spiritual health. Mind is a spiritual disease, and meditation is nothing but medicine.
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Buddha is said to have said, "I am a medicine man, a VAIDYA -- a physician. I am not a teacher and I have not come to give you doctrines. I know a certain medicine which can cure your diseases. And don't ask about health. Take the medicine, destroy the disease, and you will know what health is. Don't ask about it." Buddha says, "I am not a metaphysician, I am not a philosopher. I am not interested in what God is, in what soul is, in what KAIVALYA, aloneness, MOKSHA, liberation, and NIRVANA is. I am not interested! I am simply interested in what disease is and in how it can be cured. I am a medicine man." His approach is absolutely scientific. He has diagnosed human dilemma and disease. His approach is absolutely right.
Destroy the barriers. What are the barriers? Thinking is the basic barrier. When you think, a barrier of thoughts is created. Between you and the reality a wall of thoughts is created, and thoughts are more dense than any stone wall can be. And then there are many layers of thought. You cannot penetrate through them and see what the real is. You go on thinking about what the real is and you go on imagining what the real is, and the real is here and now waiting for you. If you become available to it, it will happen to you. You go on thinking about what the real is, but how can you think if you don't know?
You cannot think about something which you don't know; you can only think about something which you already know. Thinking is repetitious, tautological; it never reaches to anything new and unknown. Through thinking you never touch the unknown; you only touch the known, and it is meaningless because you already know it. You can go on feeling it again and again; you may enjoy the feeling, but nothing new comes out of it.
Stop thinking. Dissolve thinking, and the barrier is broken. Then your doors are open and the light can enter. And once the light enters, you know that the old is no more. You know now that that which you are is absolutely the new. It never was before, you had never known it; but you may even say that this is the "ancient-most" -- it was there always, not known to you.
You can use both expressions, they mean the same. You can call it the "ancient-most" -- the BRAHMAN who has always been there, and you can say that you were missing it continuously. Or you can say that this is the most new -- that which has happened only now and never was before. That too is right because for you this is the new. If you want to speak about the truth, you will have to use paradoxical expressions. The Upanishads say, "This is the new and this is the old. This is the most ancient and this is the most new. It is the far and the near both." But then language becomes paradoxical, contradictory.
And you ask me, "WHAT IS THIS GRADUAL GROWTH AND CLARITY IF THE AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE IS NEVER GRADUAL, BUT SUDDEN?" This clarity is of the mind; this clarity is of a lessening of disease; this clarity is of the falling of barriers. If one barrier falls you are less burdened, your eyes are less clouded. If another barrier falls you are still more unburdened, your eyes become still more clear. But this clarity is not of enlightenment; this clarity is only of a lessening disease, not of health. When all barriers disappear, with those barriers your mind also disappears. Then you cannot say, "Now my mind is clear, it is no more." Then you simply say, "Now there is no mind."
When there is no mind, then the clarity is of enlightenment. Then the clarity is of enlightenment! that is absolutely different. Then another dimension has opened. But you will have to pass through clarities of mind. Remember always that no matter how clear your mind becomes, it is still a barrier. No matter how transparent your mind becomes, even if it becomes a transparent glass and you can look to the other side, still it is a barrier and you will have to break it completely. So sometimes it happens that when one is meditating one becomes more and more clear, more sane, more still; silence is felt. Then one clings to meditation and thinks that everything is achieved. Great masters have always been emphasizing that a day comes when you have to throw your meditation also.
I will tell you one story -- one Zen story. Bokuju was meditating -- meditating very deeply, meditating with his whole heart. His master would come every day, and he would just laugh and go back. Bokuju became annoyed. The master would not say anything, he would just come and look at him, laugh and go away. And Bokuju was feeling very good in meditation. His meditation was deepening, and he needed someone to appreciate him. He was waiting for the master to pat him and say, "Good, Bokuju. You did well." But the master just laughed. The laughter felt insulting -- as if Bokuju was not progressing, and he was progressing. As he progressed more, the laughter grew more and more insulting. It was impossible to tolerate it now.
One day the master came, and Bokuju was feeling absolutely silent as far as mind can go; there was no noise within, no thought. The mind was absolutely transparent; no barrier was felt. He was filled with a subtle deep happiness, joy was bubbling all over, he was in ecstasy. Thus, he thought, "Now my master will not laugh. Now the moment has come, and he is going to tell me, `Now Bokuju, you have become enlightened.'"
That day the master came: the master came with a brick in his hand, and he started rubbing that brick on the rock on which Bokuju was sitting. He was so silent, and the rubbing of the brick created noise. He became annoyed. At last he couldn't tolerate it, so he opened his eyes and asked his master, "What are you doing?"
The master said, "I am trying to make this brick a mirror, and by continuously rubbing it I hope that someday this brick will become a mirror."
Bokuju said, "You are behaving stupidly. This stone, this brick, is not going to become a mirror. No matter how much you rub it, it is not going to become a mirror."
The master laughed and said, "Then what are you doing? This mind can never become enlightened, and you go on rubbing and rubbing it. You are polishing it, and you are feeling so good that when I laugh you feel annoyed." And suddenly, as the master threw his brick, Bokuju became aware. When the master threw his brick, suddenly he felt that the master was right, and the mind broke. Then from that day on there was no mind and no meditation. He became enlightened.
The master said to him, "Now you can move anywhere. Go, and teach others also. First teach them meditation; then teach them non-meditation. First teach them how to make the mind clear, because only a very clear mind can understand that now even this clear mind is a barrier. Only a deeply meditative mind can understand that now even meditation has to be thrown.
You cannot understand it right now. Krishnamurti goes on saying that there is no need of any meditation, and he is right. But he is talking to wrong persons. He is right; there is no need for any meditation, but he is wrong because of to whom he is saying this. Those who cannot even understand what meditation is, how can they understand that there is no need for any meditation? This is going to be harmful for them because they will cling to this idea. They will feel that this idea is very good, there is no need of meditation, so "We are already enlightened."
Listening to Krishnamurti, many feel that now there is no need of meditation and that those who are meditating are foolish. They may waste their whole life because of this thought, and this thought is right. There comes a point when meditation has to be thrown; there comes a point when meditation becomes a barrier. But wait for this point to come. You cannot throw something which you don't have. Krishnamurti says, "No need of meditation; don't meditate." But you have never meditated, so how can you say, "Don't meditate"?
A rich man can renounce his riches, not a poor man. To renounce you need something to renounce in the first place. If you meditate, you can renounce it one day -- and that is the last renunciation, and that is the greatest. Wealth can he renounced, it is easy. Family can be renounced, it is not difficult. The whole world can be renounced because everything is outer and outer and outer. The last thing is meditation, the innermost wealth. And when you renounce it, you have renounced yourself. Then no self remains -- not even the meditating self, the great meditator. Even that image is broken. You have fallen into nothingness. Only in this nothingness, the discontinuity. The old has disappeared and the new has happened. You become available through meditation.
Whatsoever is felt through meditation, don't think that it is enlightenment. These are just glimpses of a lessening disease, of a dispersing disease. You feel good. The disease is less, so you feel relatively healthy. Real health is not yet there, but you are more healthy than before and it is good to be more healthy than before.
The second question:
"YOU SAID THAT LIFE EXISTS IN POLAR OPPOSITES LIKE LOVE AND HATE, ATTRACTION AND REPULSION, VIRTUE AND VICE, ETCETERA. BUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THESE POLAR OPPOSITES WHEN ONE IS IN THE WITNESSING CONSCIOUSNESS?"
Don't ask, wait for the happening, for what happens. You can ask and some answer can be given, but that answer cannot become an authentic answer for you. And never jump ahead. Don't ask what happens when one dies. What happens? Whatsoever is said will be meaningless because you are still alive. What happens when someone is dead? You will have to pass through it. Unless you are dead you cannot know it. Whatsoever is said can be believed on trust, but this is meaningless.
Rather, ask how to be dead so that you can know what happens. No one else can die for you; no one else's experience can be an experience for you. You will have to die. Death cannot be another's experience for you, it has to be your own. Similar is the case here. What happens when polarities disappear? In a way nothing happens. "Happening" dissolves because all happening is polar. When love and hate both dissolve -- and they DO dissolve -- , what happens? When you love, you hate also -- and you hate the same person you love. Hate is just hidden, and when hate comes up love goes down.
Jesus says, "Love your enemies," and I say that you cannot do otherwise. You DO love your enemies. You hate them so much, and without love that is impossible. Love is just the other aspect of the coin. And where is the demarcation where love ends and hate begins? There is just a grey extension. When do you hate someone and when do you love? Can you demark it? You love and hate the same person; any moment hate can become love and love can become hate. This is the polarity of mind, this is how mind functions. Don't become worried about it. If you know, you will never become worried. If you love someone, you know hate will be there. If someone loves you, you will expect both -- love and hate.
But what happens in a buddha-like consciousness when love and hate both disappear? What happens? It is difficult to express what happens, but whatsoever has been felt around Buddha is more like love without hate. It has been felt around Buddha; it is not that Buddha feels it so. Buddha cannot feel love now because he cannot feel hate. He cannot feel love, but around him everyone has felt a deep love flowing. We can describe it as love without hate, but then the quality is different.
With our love, hate is inevitably present. It colors it, it changes the quality of it. Hate gives a passion to love, a force, an intensity, a focused quality, a concentration, while Buddha's love becomes a dispersed phenomenon. Intensity is not there. It cannot burn you, it can only warm you. It is not a fire, it is just a glow. It is not a flame, it is just like the morning light when the sun has not yet risen and the night has disappeared. It is just the moment of interval -- light without any fire, without any flame. We have felt it as love, and as the purest because there is no hate. Even to feel this type of love, you have to be a very deeply meditative mind. You need a mind which can meditate; otherwise such a delicate and diffuse phenomenon will not be felt. You have to be very deeply sensitive.
You can only feel gross love, and that grossness is given by hate. If someone simply loves you without any hate, it will be difficult for you to feel his love. You will have to grow to become more transparent, delicate, sensitive. You will have to become like a very sensitive musical instrument; only then will the breeze sometimes come to you. And the breeze is so non-violent now that it will not hit you. It will be just a delicate touch. If you are very, very aware, you will feel it; otherwise you will miss it.
But this is our feeling around a buddha, not Buddha's feeling. Buddha cannot feel love or hate. Really, the polar opposites disappear, and simple presence remains. Buddha is a presence, not a mood. You are moods, not a presence. Sometimes you are hate, one mood, sometimes you are love -- another mood; sometimes you are anger, another mood, sometimes you are greed -- another mood. You are moods, you are never a pure presence, and your consciousness goes on being modified by your moods. Each mood becomes the master. It modifies the consciousness, cripples it, changes it, colors it, deforms it.
A buddha is without moods. Now hate has gone, love has gone, anger has gone, greed has gone -- and non-greed also, non-anger also. They have disappeared! They both have disappeared! He is a simple presence. If you are sensitive, you will feel love flowing from him, you will feel compassion. If you are not sensitive, if you are gross, if your meditation has not developed, you will not feel him at all. A buddha will move amidst you, and you will not even become aware that some phenomenon is passing -- something rare, something which passes only once in centuries. You will not become aware!
Or, if you are very gross, anti-meditative, you will even become angered by his presence. Because his presence is subtle, you may even become violent because of his presence. His presence may be disturbing to you. If you are very gross, anti-meditative, you will become an enemy of a Buddha and he will not have done anything. If you are open, sensitive, you will become a lover, and he will not have done anything. Remember this: when you become an enemy, it is you; when you become a friend, it is you. A buddha is a simple presence, he is available. If you become an enemy, you turn your back. You will simply miss something for which you may have to wait for lives to come again.
Ananda was weeping the day Buddha was passing away, and Buddha said in the morning, "Now this is my last day. Now the body is going to be finished." Ananda was near. He was the first to whom Buddha said, "This is my last day, so go and tell everyone that if they have to ask something they can ask."
Ananda started weeping and crying, so Buddha said, "Why are you weeping? For this body? I have been teaching and teaching and teaching that this body is false, it is already dead -- or are you weeping for my death? Don't weep, because I have died forty years ago. I died the day I became enlightened, so this body is only disappearing now. Don't weep."
Ananda said a beautiful thing. He said, "I am not weeping for your body or for you, I am weeping for myself. I am yet unenlightened, and now how many lives will pass before again a buddha will be available? And I may not be again able to recognize you."
Unless you become enlightened, your clarity of mind can be clouded at any moment. Before you become enlightened, you can fall back again and again. Nothing is certain. So Ananda said, "I am weeping for myself. I am yet unenlightened, I have not yet reached the goal, and you are entering nothingness."
Many, even Buddha's own father, couldn't recognize that his son was no more his son -- that something had happened into this body which rarely happens. The darkness had disappeared and the eternal light was burning there, but he couldn't recognize it. Many were against him; many tried to kill him. But it is all up to you: whether you become a friend, a lover or an enemy depends on you, on your sensitivity, on your mind -- how your mind feels.
But a buddha is not doing anything, he is simply a presence. Just by his presence much happens around him. Those who can feel love, they will feel he is in deep love with them. And the deeper you can feel, the more you will grow in the feeling that his love is deepening towards you. If you can become a real lover, you will feel that a buddha is a lover to you. If you become an enemy, and you feel hate, you will feel that a buddha is an enemy and you will feel that he has to be killed, destroyed. It depends on you. A buddha is a non-doer; he is simply being, he is there. So what happens is difficult to say because whatsoever we say will be a mood. If we say he becomes a lover, that he has a great love, it will be false. That will be our feeling.
Jesus's followers felt that he was simply love and Jesus' enemies thought he had to be crucified -- so it depends on you. It depends on you how you take it, how you are capable of taking it, how much open you are. But from the side of an enlightened one, nothing can he said. He can simply say that now he is: without doing anything he is -- just a presence, a being.
The third question:
"YOU SAID THAT WHEN A PERSON IS TOTALLY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT IN THE MIND, THEN HE IS A BUDDHA-MIND. BUT EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO THOUGHT IN ME AND I AM IN THE MOMENT, ABSORBED, WITH NO PAST OR FUTURE, I DO NOT FEEL THE BUDDHA-NATURE. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHEN IN THIS THOUGHTLESS AWARENESS THE BUDDHA-MIND IS REVEALED."
The first thing: if you are aware that there is no thought in your mind, there is thought. Even this is a thought, that now there is no thought in you. This thought is the last thought. Allow it also to disappear. And why are you waiting for when the buddha-nature is going to happen to you? That again is a thought. It will not happen in that way -- never!
I will tell you one story. One king came to Gautam Buddha. He was a devotee, a great devotee, and he had come for the first time for his darshan -- for his audience. In one of his hands, in his left hand, he had one beautiful golden ornament, priceless, with many jewels in it. It was the most precious that he had -- a rare piece of art. He had come to present it to Buddha just to show his devotion. He came near. In his left hand was that priceless jeweled ornament; he was going to present it. Buddha said, "Drop it!" He was disturbed. He never expected this. He was shocked. But because Buddha was saying "Drop it", he dropped it.
In his other hand, in his right hand, he had brought a beautiful rose. He thought that Buddha might not like stones. He might just think that this was a childish thing that he had brought. But it was good to have an alternative, so he brought a beautiful rose. A rose is not so gross, not so material. It has a spirituality, something of the unknown is there. And Buddha might like it because he says life is flux, and the flower is in the morning and in the evening it is no more. It is the most flux-like thing in the world. So he put his other hand in front of Buddha and he wanted to present the flower. Buddha again said, "Drop it!" Then he felt very disturbed. Now he had nothing to present. But when Buddha again said to drop it, he dropped it.
Then suddenly he became aware of the "I." He thought, "Why am I presenting things when I can present myself?" When he became aware, with both his hands empty he presented himself. But Buddha again said, "Drop it!" Now he had nothing to drop -- just empty hands -- and Buddha said, "Drop it!"
Mahakashyapa, Sariputta, Ananda and his other disciples were there, and they started laughing. The man became aware that even to say that "I present myself to you" is egoistic. Even to say, "Now I am here and I surrender to you," is not surrender. So he himself fell down. Buddha smiled and said, "You understand well."
Unless you drop even this idea of surrendering, unless you drop even this idea of empty hands, it is not surrender. One has to drop even emptiness in the hand. It is easy to understand the dropping of things... but then the hands were empty and Buddha said, "Drop it! Don't even cling to this emptiness!" When you do meditation, you have to drop thoughts. When thoughts are dropped, a thought remains and the thought is, "Now I have become thoughtless." There is a subtle feeling, a thought that "Now I have achieved and now there is no thought. Now the mind is vacant. Now I am empty."
But this emptiness is filled with this thought. And whether thoughts are there or a thought is there makes no difference. Drop the thought also. And why are you waiting for the buddha-nature? YOU cannot wait because you will not be there. You will never meet Buddha; when Buddha happens you will not be there, so your hopes are futile. You are wasting time, you will not be there.
Kabir has said, "When I was you were not. Now you are, and where has Kabir gone? When I was seeking and seeking and desiring and hungering for you, you were not. I was there. Now you are there, and please tell me where has Kabir gone? Where is that seeker who was seeking and seeking and hungering and weeping and crying for you? Where has that Kabir gone?"
You will not be there when Buddha happens. So don't wait, don't desire, because your desire of "When will Buddha happen to me?" and "When will I become a buddha-nature? When will I become enlightened?" -this very desire will create a barrier, the last barrier. For the achieving of total freedom, the desire for freedom is the last barrier. To be enlightened, even this desire for enlightenment has to be thrown, has to be cast away.
One of the great Zen masters, Lin-Chi, used to say, "If you meet Buddha anywhere, kill him immediately! If you meet Buddha anywhere in your meditation, kill him immediately!" He means it. This desire to be a buddha, to be enlightened, if you meet it anywhere, kill it immediately. Only then does it happen. Total desirelessness is needed, and when I say, "total desirelessness," I mean that even the desire for total desirelessness must be dropped. You are, without any desire. You are, without any thought, not even aware that there is no thought, that there is no desire. Then it happens.
The last question:
"WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE REASONS FOR NOT HAVING AN EXPLOSIVE CATHARSIS? I CONSTANTLY, EVEN WITH TODAY'S SHAKTIPAT MEDITATION, HAVE ONLY A VERY MILD CATHARSIS. DOES IT NECESSARILY MEAN THAT I AM NOT OPEN OR NOT OPEN ENOUGH, OR ARE THERE OTHER POSSIBLE REASONS? MY CONCERN OVER THIS THEN BECOMES A DISTRACTION TO ME DURING THE MEDITATION AND AFTER."
The first thing to be noted, to be remembered: catharsis will happen deeply if you just help it to happen, if you just cooperate with it. Mind is so suppressed, and you have so much pushed things down, that to reach them your cooperation is needed. So whenever you feel even a light catharsis, help it to become stronger. Don't just wait. If you feel that your hand is trembling, don't just wait, help it to tremble more. Don't feel, think that it has to be spontaneous, so you have to wait. If it has to be spontaneous, then you will have to wait for years, because for years you have been suppressing and the suppression was not spontaneous. You have done it on purpose.
You will have to do quite the opposite now. Only then can the suppressions be brought to the surface. You feel like weeping; you weep mildly. Help it along! Make it a deep scream! You don't know that from the very beginning you have been suppressing your crying, you have not cried really. From the very beginning the child wants to cry, to laugh. The crying is a deep necessity in him. Through crying, every day he goes through catharsis.
The child has many frustrations. This is bound to be; it is of necessity. The child wants something, but he cannot say what, he cannot express it. The child wants something, but the parents may not be in a position to fulfill it. The mother may not be available there. She may be engaged in some other work, and he may not be cared for. At that moment no attention is paid to him, so he starts crying. The mother wants to persuade him, to console him, because she is disturbed, the father is disturbed, the whole family is disturbed. No one wants him to cry, crying is a disturbance; everyone tries to distract him so that he may not cry. We can bribe him. The mother can give him a toy; the mother can give him milk -- anything to create a distraction or to console him -- but he should not cry.
But crying is a deep necessity. If he can cry and is allowed to cry, he will become fresh again; the frustration is thrown through crying. Otherwise, with a stopped crying, the frustration is stopped. Now he will go on piling it up, and you are a "piled-up" cry. Now psychologists say that you need "a primal scream." Now a therapy is developing in the West just to help you to scream so totally that every cell of your body is involved in it. If you can scream so madly that your whole body screams in it, you will be relieved of much pain, much suffering that is accumulated. You will become just like a child -- fresh and innocent again.
But that primal scream is not going to come suddenly. You will have to help it. It is so deep down, and there are so many layers of repression, that don't just wait: help it. When you want to cry, cry wholeheartedly! Give total energy to it and enjoy it. Help it. And the second thing -- enjoy it, because if you are not enjoying what you are doing it cannot go deep. It will be superficial. If you are screaming, then enjoy it. Enjoy the very thing; feel good. If you are feeling somewhere that "What I am doing is not good; what will others say? What a childish thing I am doing," even a slight feeling like this will become repression. Enjoy it and be playful about it. Enjoy and be playful. Just inquire more and more whether it can become deeper, whether you can help it along more -- in what ways you can help it along more.
If you are sitting and crying, then maybe if you start jumping the cry will become deeper. Or if you lie down on the floor and start thrashing about maybe it will become deeper. Try, help it along, and enjoy it -- and you will feel there are many ways in which you can help it along. Enjoy trying to deepen it, and once it takes over then you will not be needed. Once it comes to the right source where energy is hidden, once you touch the right source and the energy is released, then you are not needed. You can flow automatically, spontaneously. And when it starts flowing spontaneously, you will be cleansed completely.
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